Work ended early today so I met Grace for a chat before going home since she was at Outram. While we were chatting, she asked me why sometimes I am cold and can just ignore everything. At that moment, without thinking much I just replied her that it is just ME. In fact she was not the first one who asked me this question, I had been asked with similar question by many friends in many occasions and every time I would just reply them with a smile or acknowledge this weakness of mine.

After having a long “own reflection” moment on my way home, I asked myself if I have some split personality or some psychological problems. I guess I can’t find the answer unless I go to some psychiatrist or some other professional.

Being sent to Singapore since I’m 13 I have learnt to be independent and not to be too reliant on someone. Having quite a complicated childhood moments, I have learnt that many of times I just want to numb myself because it is a form of relaxation. Having been hurt emotionally by some people has made me realized that I couldn’t afford to let myself be hurt anymore.

Of course I have some people that I really trust, someone that I know who will wish me well, pray for my well being even if she is not somewhere near my sight. I have friends that I really love, friends that I know that they will always remember me and love me no matter how far they are.

Sometimes I do like to draw myself out from my friends because I just feel that somehow I need some space to breath. I need some time to be alone to stone. Indeed, I like to have gatherings with my friends because it is a time where I can let go and enjoy myself, but not to the extent that I want to be with my friends every day, talking to the same friend every day, shopping with the same friend every day and doing things together every day.

In fact those closest to me are not those who spend their “everyday” with me. I love the kind of friendship that I have with Andy, Polin, Asay, Step and Huiyan, but I am not implying that I don’t like the kind of friendship that I have with the rest of my friends. I’m just trying to say that your closeness to one person can’t be measure with the time you spend with each other or the distant.

Personally I feel that having to talk to the same person everyday give me some pressure, I feel that it is more of an obligation instead of having a true quality time. I mean isn’t it good to update your friend once in awhile instead of having it an “everyday” sharing kind of thing?! I guess it is more meaningful. And I love to visit Alice in the wonderland every now and then to find the inner peace that I really need.

Some friends like to ask me to rate how deep our friendships are, be it in terms of percentage or figures. Honestly I hate it when people started to ask me this kind of question mainly because I will have no answer to it. I have never rate my friendship with my friends, in fact I just give them some nickname like the piggy, the smu gurls, the 7 sista, buddy , dearie, bao bei , darlin and etc.

I feel that asking someone to rate his or her friendship or love toward a person is a childish kind of thing, but I know that rating give them the reassurance that they need. On the other note, I do wonder why they lack of such reassurance! Wouldn’t they be able to know it themselves deep in their heart?! Have they ever tried to ask themselves first before asking the parties involve? Wouldn’t they know how close they are by the topics that they are talking about, the depth of their conversation, the hugs or laughter that they share?! Honestly I don’t understand, really.

Why can’t friendship be pure and simple? Why do we need to put a pressure in a friendship? Won't life be too tiring and stressful if even the simplest thing like a friendship has to have its own stress?! Aren't the stresses from school, work and family’s expectation bad enough to frustrate you?!. Why do we need to add another component to our stress level? Isn’t friendship supposed to be a relaxation thing?!

So, what if you are not someone’s good friend or so called bestie? Does it make you less valuable? Less important? Less precious? Do you mean that being one’s bestie makes you more superior to the others? Are you saying that my SMU gurls are less important than my piggy family or vice versa?! Maybe these kind of comparisons do apply to some people, but trust me if they do think that way, they are not worthy of your time, much more your true friendship!

Best friend, good friend, normal friend are just the categories that some people came up with, but that doesn’t mean you need to conform with it! Wouldn’t having a different kind of level of friendship remind you of the EM3 or EM4 ranking kind off stuffs?! The good and the bad students?! Is that how friendship should be rank?! Isn’t friendship supposed to be the most priceless and incomparable thing of all?!
I am who I am, people who know me will understand my actions, my mood swings and etc. people who refuse to understand, sorry but to say, I can’t be bother to ask you to understand and you don’t have the obligation to do so.

Don’t ask me why such an actions because the moment you decided to befriend me, that is also the moment you should accept this principle of mine or you may call it my weaknesses.

Labels: Random, Thoughts